


I'll be fine

by Niamidan



Series: Leave no regrets [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Atsumu suffers, Bullying, M/M, Minor Character Death, Minor Violence, Pining Miya Atsumu, Sad Miya Atsumu, some minor suna x atsumu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:54:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27583007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Niamidan/pseuds/Niamidan
Summary: "Are ya okay 'Tsumu?" He asks, his voice oddly filled with something Atsumu doesn't usually get directed at him.Atsumu wants to ask his brother what he is talking about but he can't because he knows that the circles under his eyes are dark and prominent. He can't say that because Atsumu has spent the last few months with his shoulders hunched whenever he walks in the corridors so that fewer people would recognize him. He's been caught too many times in a daze because he had been too busy focusing on something else. Atsumu knows his brother has seen him snapping his head to the direction of someone whispering a little too quickly, a little too often.But Atsumu just shakes his head and gives his brother a grin "Wha? Ya worried 'bout me now 'Samu?" to which Osamu rolls his eyes and slaps him on the arm. He chuckles at his brother who looks mildly irritated and Atsumu is glad that that expression isn't on his brother's face anymore. He tries to ignore the girls whispering to each other a few desks away, but that night he has the mocking smile of one of the girls in his nightmare.- Atsumu's point of view from my other work 'Sakusa Kiyoomi, the idiot'
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Series: Leave no regrets [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2016707
Comments: 21
Kudos: 194





	I'll be fine

At some point in life, Miya Atsumu lived without a single care about what the world was really made up of. When he looks back to that time he associates it with a period of peacefulness and happiness. Life had been easy back then and his biggest worry had been volleyball, everything had been about volleyball. Whatever else that had happened in that time wasn't something Atsumu could remember, only the ball on the palm of his hand and the feeling of accomplishment. 

He wonders when that had changed. 

Perhaps it was the day that he and Osamu sat in the cafeteria of their middle school as Osamu gave him an odd look while they were eating. His twin was staring at him with something like contemplation to which his curious mind had asked "What?". Osamu continued to look at him and eventually replied, hesitatingly, with "'Tsumu, everybody hates ya." 

It was asked as more of a question rather than a statement in Atsumu's opinion, almost like his brother was searching for something. Seeking a certain thing in his expression that would satisfy Osamu's curiosity to whatever it was that he wanted to know. Atsumu doesn't know if Osamu found it but at the time he just shrugged and said "So?" Because truly, Atsumu didn't care, the idea of hate and what it implied was of no concern to him, yet.

Osamu had looked back down at his rice with an expression Atsumu never really seemed to understand. He remembers the day when he got sick in kindergarten and his father came to pick him up early. Osamu (still being cute) had been crying and asking their father if he was going to die, his father had laughed and said that Atsumu would be fine. However, when they were leaving Osamu was giving him the same expression back then as well. Atsumu never found out what it had meant. 

Osamu sighed and gathered some more rice in his chopsticks then rolled his eyes. "So I swore on my soul that I'd never become like ya. I'm gonna lead a life of kindness" he said. Atsumu, a middle schooler with bigger priorities wondered what the fuck Osamu was going on about. 

But, as he grows older, he thinks that maybe he should have actually taken into consideration the meaning behind the word 'hate'. Maybe he could've avoided everything else that came after that. And just maybe he wouldn't have to think about Osamu looking at him with that expression whenever he lay down to sleep.   
  


\------  
  


There are no regrets about his actions or words even as the people around him start to blatantly ignore him. In fact, he doesn't even notice it because the only thing that matters to him is volleyball and how he could improve himself. 

He's always with Osamu and Aran anyway, they speak with him just fine. Sure, sometimes he's left alone because Aran is a year older with his own friends. And Osamu gets invited to eat lunch with some of the other kids in their class leaving him alone at his desk. 

But Atsumu barely sees it in the beginning, he's focused on doing his homework in time before the teacher gets to class. Otherwise playing a mobile game that's way too much of a time consumer for him to see the empty space beside him. That's why everything was fine even when Osamu called him a loner and a loser who doesn't know how to make friends. On the contrary, Atsumu thinks that's one of Osamu's weaker insults. 

Atsumu learns the hard way how terribly wrong he had been the whole time. 

It starts like any day, he's in the locker room of his middle school volleyball club switching from his school uniform to his practice clothes when he hears the whispering. He's heard the insults and nasty remarks about himself before so he ignores it initially, however that day something else was said. 

"He's the brother of that asshole, I'm sure he's not that much different." Atsumu freezes midway taking on his shirt. The black t-shirt hangs from his hand and his hold on it loosens nearly letting it fall down to the ground. It's not anger that he feels when he realizes what they're talking about. It's disappointment, not at them, but at himself for letting things get this far. 

Atsumu doesn't confront them or start tackling them to the ground like he so wishes to do. He knows the consequences and he'd much rather keep his position on the volleyball team. So he remains quiet but he finishes dressing up and walks out letting them know he's been there the whole time. Some of them let out a gasp and stare at him shell shocked as he walks by them. 

He mentally promises not to punch them in the face but he makes sure to slam his shoulder hard on the one boy he knows hates him the most as he passes him. The boy clicks his tongue but doesn't say anything about the gesture and when they're practicing he doesn't ask Atsumu to throw him more tosses. Good, Atsumu thinks, he doesn't think he could hold back on punching him if he did. 

And for a moment Atsumu believes that perhaps things had gotten better. That those petty assholes who couldn't take criticism were over their unneeded hate for him. He's wrong of course because the only thing that changes is their subtlety in insulting him behind his back. Still, at least he wouldn't have to hear all those remarks as much anymore. 

However, things take a turn for the worse when all of a sudden it's not just those assholes on his volleyball team but also his classmates and then everyone at school. He hears the whispering whenever he walks by someone, he sees the smiles full of mock aimed at him and their chided expressions. It doesn't bother him, it _shouldn't_ bother him but it does. Because suddenly he's searching for those whispers and listening in on his own free will to make sure that his brother isn't mentioned. 

It becomes an obsession knowing everything that is said behind him and he doesn't realize how far gone he is until Osamu has to snap him out of his trance because he's too busy listening to two girls talking. Osamu is giving him the same look that he did when he first said that everyone hated him, Atsumu decides then that he doesn't like that expression on Osamu. "Are ya okay 'Tsumu?" He asks, his voice oddly filled with something Atsumu doesn't usually get directed at him. 

Atsumu wants to ask his brother what he is talking about but he can't because he knows that the circles under his eyes are dark and prominent. He can't say _that_ because Atsumu has spent the last few months with his shoulders hunched whenever he walks in the corridors so that fewer people would recognize him. He's been caught too many times in a daze because he had been too busy focusing on something else. Atsumu knows his brother has seen him snapping his head to the direction of someone whispering a little too quickly, a little too often. 

But Atsumu just shakes his head and gives his brother a grin "Wha? Ya worried 'bout me now 'Samu?" to which Osamu rolls his eyes and slaps him on the arm. He chuckles at his brother who looks mildly irritated and Atsumu is glad that _that_ expression isn't on his brother's face anymore. He tries to ignore the girls whispering to each other a few desks away, but that night he has the mocking smile of one of the girls in his nightmare.   
  


\------  
  


He thinks he's been fine throughout the three years in middle school and that even if he gets a little less sleep than usual it isn't much of an issue. He's still able to function properly and excels just as well in volleyball so it becomes more of a regular routine. If Osamu notices anything then he doesn't say it and honestly, Atsumu prefers it that way. He doesn't talk much with his parents so he's sure that they will never notice much of a difference with him either. 

He doesn't particularly have a bad relationship with his parents, they don't abuse him or anything like that. He's mostly just ignored the whole time as if his existence isn't there to them at all. He hasn't eaten dinner with them since he started in middle school and it's not because he got into a fight or anything. One day he was late getting home as he was getting an injury patched up from ' _accidentally_ ' being shoved and falling on shards of glass from a recent broken window. Osamu had already gone home before him with some of his friends and hadn't known about it. 

His teacher had taken him to the hospital staying with him until his hand was fully stitched and bandaged. Atsumu hadn't gotten back home until late, he was informed by his teacher- who even drove him home- that his parents wouldn't pick up his phone calls. Atsumu had told his teacher that his parents must have been busy, he really did believe that himself. 

However, when he got home Osamu looked at him horrified and kept asking him what had happened. His mother ended up talking with his teacher who explained the situation. When his teacher left, his mother returned to stare at him and then let out a sigh "we already ate dinner, there are some leftovers in the fridge" she said and proceeded to drag Osamu with her to help him with his homework. 

And that was it, Atsumu sat on his chair beside the kitchen table trying to eat with his left-hand food that was already cold. He only questioned why it had to be his right hand that was injured. He didn't eat with the family after that. 

In all honesty, it didn't matter to anyone because his parents never called him when he stayed outside late after getting a phone (courtesy of his grandmother's birthday gift to him). They never asked him to come down and eat with them even when he was in his room upstairs. Osamu didn't ask him to join either because Atsumu presumes that his brother understood that sitting with their parents was a far worse thing. 

At some point, Osamu started bringing his food to their room and sat on the chair beside their desk to munch on his food. He wouldn't look at Atsumu and just ate in silence while Atsumu lay on the bottom bunk on his phone. When Osamu was finished eating and Atsumu figured that his parents were also done they would both head downstairs together. Atsumu would eat while Osamu washed some of the dishes until his brother was finished. It became a routine that happened only on Tuesdays and Saturdays. 

Atsumu never asked Osamu why he would eat in their room those days, he would just gulp down his own food with whatever else was building in his throat. He started looking forward to dinner on Tuesdays and Saturdays. 

Still, even if his parents didn't particularly care for his existence it didn't matter because Atsumu had his grandmother who loved him enough. His grandma was sweet but much like Atsumu she was also rash with her words and tended to make lots of snarky comments about her own kids. Atsumu loved her even more because of it and spent his time at his grandmother's house. She lived close and he ate dinner with her on the days that weren't Tuesdays and Saturdays. 

Osamu loved her too because she would always bake lots of sweets to treat them with, they were both stupidly spoiled by her. However, Atsumu was the one who was with her the most, she never asked why he didn't eat at home and he never told her anything. Some days they'd play shogi together which he would always lose because apparently, his grandma is a champion at it. Other days she'd give him a plate of cookies she had just baked with a glass of milk and they would sit on her veranda while she told stories about her childhood. There were days where the two of them were fully prepared with their own uniforms and snacks cheering like barbarians for their individual volleyball teams. 

Perhaps because he spent so much time with his grandmother he was the first to notice the changing signs of her depleting health. She never talked to him about it but he saw her coughing more often and some of the days he would visit she would've only just returned from somewhere. "Oh, Atsumu? Yer here already? Don't worry brat, I'll cook you somethin' up right now" She said one of the days he came by. Her complexion had worsened tremendously and she could barely stand as she made her way to the kitchen. Atsumu had taken the utensils out of her hand when he saw them shaking and proceeded to make dinner for the two of them. 

"I'm sorry Atsumu" She had said but Atsumu had brushed her off saying that she should rest if she's not feeling well. However, his grandmother had looked at him the same way that Osamu tended to do at times. An unreadable but still an expression that Atsumu didn't like seeing. _Why are you looking at me like that?_ He wanted to ask but he didn't as he continued to clean the rice. 

When high school starts his determination to not make the same mistakes as he did in middle school is short-lived. It's as if the moment people see him they have already pre-established him as their prey. It feels like they're testing him for any wrong movements and ready to attack when he stumbles. It's what happens when one of his teammates continues to make too obvious mistakes and he snaps at the other in front of everyone else. He guesses that has to be the moment that everyone makes up their mind. 

Atsumu is usually rational and he wouldn't have fallen into such an obvious trap however every day that he visits his grandmother he feels his patients become shorter. Her face becomes a little paler than yesterday and her body a little thinner. Atsumu hasn't let her make food for them since the first time he told her to rest, he goes there to make food for both of them. 

"I'm sick of yer bullshit! Ya better fucking get it right this time!" He near screams at his teammate who looks at him with fake shock. There's a hint of a smirk that quickly disappears when Aran walks up to them asking if there is something wrong. His bastard of a teammate acts like a victim saying some bullshit like 'Atsumu is right, I'm not doing very good' that earns him the sympathy of everyone else. 

Atsumu feels like punching something and Osamu decides that's the best time to walk beside him. "'Tsumu calm the fuck down," Osamu says and Atsumu sees the blood on his grandmother's tissues in the garbage, something in him snaps. "Stop telling me to fucking calm down! I can't fucking calm down, I can't when this piece of trash can't even hit a single set of mine!" He shouts as he grabs his brother's shirt collar shaking him a little.

Distantly in his mind, he recognizes that this is him taking out his frustration on someone with no fault but he's too upset to entertain the idea. Osamu glares at him like he's nothing more than trash, Atsumu thinks that's good because he'd feel more guilty about this later after all. 

"Let go of me," Osamu says with his voice deadly low, "Not everyone can reach yer standards, yer the asshole for demandin' that from others," Osamu says and that's when Atsumu lets go of the last thread holding him composed as he punches his brother square in the face. 

He doesn't remember much after because all he sees is pure white rage as he snaps and throws himself at his brother. He doesn't register any pain no matter how many times Osamu hits back and he fights everyone who tries to separate them. By the time he's conscious of himself again, he's pinned down by three of his teammates keeping him away from Osamu. His brother is being held back by only Kita who is trying to calm him down. 

"Are ya stable now?" Suna Rintaro asks from the position where he's looking down at Atsumu while holding his arm in a heavy grip. Aran is holding back his other hand while Ginjima is sitting on his legs. He nods as words won't come out, he feels a sharp pain in his throat realizing it was from all the screaming. "Good," Suna says and lifts him up from the ground while hiding Osamu from his view. "Then let's get ya cleaned up" 

Suna guides him away from the gym with a hand on his back all the while shielding his view from the people left behind. Atsumu appreciates the gesture because he's sure that he can't face all the looks that he is probably receiving right now. He just stares at his feet letting Suna pull him through the doors and halls. 

He takes Atsumu to the nurse's office and even cleans up his wounds for him as the nurse was nowhere to be seen. They remain in silence the whole time as Atsumu doesn't feel like speaking and Suna doesn't ask him to. After a while of sitting in silence and when Suna is finally plastering his face does the other speak. He stares at Atsumu like he's trying to figure out what to say and eventually decides on "I'm here for you". 

It's the last thing Atsumu had thought would come out from Suna's mouth, he had expected to be called an idiot or questioned for his rage. He thought Suna would criticize him and tell him about the consequences he would be facing but he never thought those words would be said. He didn't think he would ever hear those words directed at him and maybe that's why he breaks down.

It's honestly pathetic because he doesn't tell Suna anything as the only thing he manages is hiccups and sniffling. He's having a difficult time breathing because crying is something foreign to him and he chooses not to like it. He hates that he's sitting on one of the beds in the nurse's office with Suna sitting in front of him on a chair. He hates that the injuries on his face are burning and especially hates when Suna moves to sit beside him. He loathes Suna's arms around him holding him so gently as he cries into his shoulder. 

The next day he gets suspended for a week courtesy of Kita who convinced the coach because 'Atsumu is the only good setter we have'. His brother is not punished as he was not at fault for anything which makes Atsumu relieved, he didn't need that on his consciousness either. On the other hand, Atsumu decides to spend the whole week at his grandmother's not going home for even a day. 

He spends his time taking care of her and cooking them different types of food. She insults him about his terrible cooking skills saying that Osamu is much better than him. He proceeds to bicker with her and playfully telling her that 'Samu is not here so deal with it'. She's sweet but just like himself she insults and criticizes him for nearly everything. But she doesn't point out the bruises on his face and at night she threads her fingers through his hair letting him finally go to sleep. He thinks that week had been the only time that he managed to fall asleep for a while without waking up with nightmares.   
  


He returns home after that week and manages to make up with Osamu through a game of football. He goes back to school and things return to normal, as normal as possible with everything that had taken place. He tries not to focus on the disgusted looks directed at him and the increase in whispers around him. 

For a while things are easy because Suna is with him, they spend time together whenever Osamu decides to hang out with his other friends. Suna treats him like he always has, with no delicacy, and constant remarks about his ugly personality. But Suna eats lunch with him and laughs at his jokes with him. Suna helps him with homework and Suna blocks all the whispers away. 

He feels better until he feels worse. 

He meets Sakusa Kiyoomi on a Friday night under the lights of a public bathroom. He had gone out with some of his teammates (Aran, Kita, Suna, and Osamu) to grab a meal after practice when he decides to go to the bathroom. It's a completely random encounter but Atsumu realizes that there are no tissues left to dry his hands and he's this close to dry them on his pants when Kiyoomi stops him. 

The other man offers him a handkerchief with a glare "please don't use your pants to dry your hands, here take this, you can keep it" Sakusa says and just as he's about to leave Atsumu stops him. He doesn't know what makes him stop Kiyoomi from leaving as there's no real reason apart from wanting to know this person. 

He gets interested because Kiyoomi is a tall Japanese male wearing the same uniform from their rival high school. He's also quite handsome but more than that he thinks that maybe he can get to know someone outside of his school. Someone who can't judge him or hear any of the rumors going around about him 

"Yer number, please," He asks and quickly adds more when he sees the face the other makes. "So I can repay ya for this," He says while lifting the handkerchief up so that Kiyoomi knows what he's talking about. He looks like he's about to protests so Atsumu intervenes "I insist" He says and Kiyoomi heaves out a sigh while taking out his phone. 

Atsumu smiles to himself secretly after Sakusa leaves trying not to feel too excited about meeting the other guy again. He takes it upon himself to get to know Sakusa and plagues the other with lots of texts. Luckily for him, Sakusa- unlike his exterior- is kind enough to answer all of his texts, and eventually, they start to call each other as well. 

He feels giddy whenever he sees Kiyoomi's name pop on his notifications and even his grandma starts to pick up on his weird behavior. When Atsumu manages to convince Kiyoomi to a cup of coffee on him 'for the handkerchief Omi-Kun' he can't stop the smile on his lips that day. Osamu eventually does ask him what he's doing spending so much time on his phone which he happily ignores because this was _his_ first friend, not Osamu's friends, Kiyoomi was _his_ friend. 

The coffee date with Kiyoomi went really well and they had chemistry even if they teased each other a bit. Atsumu realized that the reason he was this happy was that he could be himself around this person. Kiyoomi wasn't the type to care about rumors, he didn't care if Atsumu had a foul mouth and even joined him on some of the stupid things that Atsumu wanted to do. 

For example, if Atsumu wanted to join a samba class Kiyoomi would join him even if the other complained the whole way there. If Atsumu wanted to go to a restaurant with very unique food Kiyoomi would join and they'd both pretend to be judges on a cooking show. If Atsumu wanted to spend the day doing absolutely nothing but still have someone there with him then Kiyoomi would be there. 

He talks about Kiyoomi to his grandmother who listens to him attentively, she's gotten a little worse over the days and she now has a personal nurse to take care of her. Atsumu still comes to visit and help out with all the chores and basically anything else he can help with. He helps the nurse lift his grandmother whenever she needs to wash her or put her to bed. He doesn't mind helping her wash either but his grandmother curses him and says that's not a job for a teenage boy. 

Still, he's happy that she's there with her and that he can come to visit because there's no one at home who will be waiting for him anyway. But, things with Kiyoomi become better and he's learned that the other also play volleyball which makes Atsumu even more excited. They teach each other new tricks and help each other out with their formations. 

Kiyoomi gives him advice on his matches and they start to spend more time at each other's places. It's mostly Atsumu who visits him to avoid going home as much as possible. It's nice because Kiyoomi's parents are good people and they treat him like their own son. Not that Atsumu knows much about how that's supposed to feel. 

He doesn't know what changes but all of a sudden there's a huge wave coming that he can't prevent. It starts with petty things like trashing his locker and shoving him when they walk past him. And eventually, it escalates to things like throwing water at him and ruining his school stuff. They take it further when he doesn't pay them any mind by cornering him after school. He thinks it's fucking childish of them to come at him 4 against 1 but they leave behind a point when they beat the shit out of him. 

They're smart because they don't leave behind any evidence on his face and they seem to be convinced that Atsumu won't speak because they threaten him with Osamu. They're right, Atsumu won't involve his brother and not only because he cares for his younger twin. He doesn't want to involve his brother who might go on a rampage and then let their parents find out. They'll probably throw Atsumu out if that happens. 

So he stays quiet which is fine because Suna talks to him at school and Sakusa is laughing with him after school. He's with his grandmother on most days and that's why none of it bothers him no matter what they do. He won't let those assholes get the best of him.   
  


"Miya, thank you for coming into my life," Kiyoomi says one day with his tone holding an odd amount of sincerity. 

Atsumu forgets to breathe because no one has ever said that to him before, no one has _thanked_ him for anything. He doesn't know what to say and he feels his cheeks start to heat up with Kiyoomi's gaze on him. The other is smiling which is something so rare to see and it's such a damn beautiful sight. 

"I mean it, you've changed my life for the better." Kiyoomi continues. "I didn't like to hang out with other people before and the idea of friends just repulsed me. But ever since you decided to make your way in I've realized how much fun I've been having because of you. I just wanted to let you know that. I'm grateful for your existence" Kiyoomi finishes and leans back on his kitchen table. 

They've already been friends for nearly a year and they're in their second year. Unsociable Kiyoomi had changed a lot during the time they were friends and he had started to smile more around Atsumu. Today they were eating food in Kiyoomi's kitchen as his mother had cooked dinner and insisted that Astumu stayed behind to eat. 

The food was delicious but for some reason, a little plain compared to Osamu's cooking. He feels bad thinking this way despite mama Sakusa offering him food in their holy house. Atsumu looks down at his place unable to face Kiyoomi's stare from across the table. He's smiling to himself however as he feels a bubble of happiness surround him. 

'I'm grateful for your existence' Kiyoomi had said and Atsumu couldn't understand why he felt so touched by that phrase. Somehow he felt that he needed to hear that. "Thank ya, I feel the same way omi-kun" He says and that's as far as their sincerity goes as Kiyoomi comments something snarky and they start to bicker like usual to avoid the cheesiness of the situation.

However, all small happiness comes to an end as he's ambushed on his way home by another group and when they're finished with him they make sure to leave him limping the way back. Of course, he makes sure that one of them has a broken nose. He ignores the pain all around his body and their comments. 

'you're trash that nobody wants around' 

'Why are you even still alive?'  
  


But amidst his thunderous mind, he hears the words that give him salvation. 'I'm grateful for your existence'. He tries to smile as he walks back the whole way home with a bruised stomach but he realizes that it's getting a little harder to smile lately. 

His grandmother is the first to notice his crush on Kiyoomi, she tells him to shut up about his stupid girl crush and tell her about his match instead. He realizes then and there that his grandmother had been right, he hadn't stopped talking about Kiyoomi. His grandmother had scoffed at his red face all the while getting help from her nurse to dress up.

"Brat, yer stupid ain'tcha? Is why Osamu goes around screaming insults at ya. Get yer act together or ya'll lose to that skanky brother of yers" She had said. It was no hidden fact that his grandmother favored him over Osamu, she used to say that Osamu was too much like his mother. Not in a good way. 

After that incident, Atsumu walks around school unable to get the image of Sakusa Kiyoomi out of his brain. The usual whispers are not as much of a bother because his inner turmoil has him too caught up with his newfound crush. But just as Atsumu is on his way back inside to get to class in time he's shoved to the ground and he doesn't get that chance to look up when he feels water running down his body. 

Three students- that he has never met before- had thrown a bucket of water at him then ran away leaving him sitting in a pool of water. Some girls walk by laughing at him without any remorse and he feels his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. When he finally makes it to class his teacher yells at him for coming late and gives him detention. The teacher doesn't ask Atsumu why he's in his practice clothes but Osamu does, he lies and says he accidentally spilled juice on them. 

He doesn't think that his grin really reached his eyes but Osamu doesn't question him any further.   
  


Their second year of high school is nearly coming to an end and Atsumu is thankful that summer vacation is about to start. It meant that the bullies would leave him alone for a while and he doesn't know if he can keep going if he has to clean his locker one more time. Thankfully Osamu hasn't noticed anything yet which is good because he doesn't need the humiliation. However, before school can end, things suddenly take a turn for the worse. 

Suna Rintaro decides, perhaps, that he's sick of Atsumu for some reason and doesn't hang out with him as much anymore. They barely exchange words and when Atsumu asks him if he did anything wrong Suna just says 'No, I just need to figure some stuff out'. He leaves after that and doesn't answer when Atsumu texts or calls him. Atsumu figures it's better to leave the other alone for the time being. 

But without Suna, it means that the whispers in school become louder and the people around him become more brutal. He chooses to text Kiyoomi whenever he has a recess to focus on something else. Kiyoomi tells him to download a mobile shooting game that they play together whenever they have the chance. 

Atsumu doesn't even like mobile games that much but it's fun to play it when Osamu isn't around and Aran is busy with his own homework. He smiles to himself whenever he plays the game and hears Kiyoomi's voice in his earphones telling him to ' _shoot, shoot, shoot!_ ' He hides in a secluded area of their school so that the other students won't judge him when he talks back.

"Omi-kun! ya could've totally taken that guy down." He says to Kiyoomi listening on the other side of the call. He hears Saksua 'hmph' and he imagines that he's wearing that signature frown of his. 

"You don't get it, Miya, he would've killed me if I tried," Kiyoomi says and follows it with a number of ' _shit, shit, shit_ '. Atsumu smiles, he leads his character into the battlefield to help out Kiyoomi's own character. When he saves Sakusa he laughs a little mockingly "I just saved yer ass Omi-Kun ya owe me a drink" 

He could practically see Sakusa roll his eyes on the other side as he says "Have you forgotten how many times I saved you when you just started?" Kiyoomi says and it's true because, in the beginning, Atsumu sucked at the game. He kept dying and had to be healed by Kiyoomi who complained about his gaming skills. 

Their little conversation distracts him and he ends up getting killed in return for saving Kiyoomi. Just after his own death, Kiyoomi dies as well and they both sigh in defeat. "Damn, I spoke too fast," Atsumu says and he looks up at the sky, the weather's good today. 

Kiyoomi hums from the other side which is weird because he would usually roast Atsumu's skills by this time. "Hey, Miya?" He says instead. 

"Yeah?" 

Kiyoomi becomes quiet and doesn't say anything for a while, Atsumu checks his clock noticing that recess is almost ending. "Why are you always playing with me during recess?" Kiyoomi eventually asks. 

Atsumu is taken aback by the sheer vulnerability in Sakusa's voice as he talks and for a minute he is stunned into his own silence. He's not sure why Kiyoomi asks him that but he assumes it might be because the other thinks that he is pitying him for having no friends. It's not true though, Atsumu is simply playing with Kiyoomi for his own selfish reasons. 

Kiyoomi doesn't have many friends either just like him and call him stupid but Atsumu feels connected with him because of it. He feels like they share something in common and it eases his mind that he's not alone. If he has KIyoomi then he doesn't need anyone else. Kiyoomi is all he needs. 

"Why? Ya don't want me to?" He teases lightly knowing that it's not what Kiyoomi is trying to get at. Just like he suspected Kiyoomi starts to fumble with his words and grow panicked. "That's not what I meant." He says. "I was just wondering why you spend all your time with me, I'm sure you have other friends that you would like to hang out with" 

_If only you knew_ Atsumu thinks but he doesn't say that and instead goes for a more cheerful voice. The sun is shining brightly in the sky and it falls on his eyes when he stares up again. "I like to spend time with ya more Omi-Kun," He says and it sounds honest because it is, he does love spending time with Kiyoomi, in fact, it's the only thing he looks forward to. 

"You're not doing it because you pity me for not having friends or something?" He asks a little doubtful of Atsumu but it seems that he's pretty convinced that Atsumu's truthful because Sakusa would've avoided the conversation if not. He lets out a fake gasp and touches his heart as though he is in pain even though Kiyoomi couldn't see him from the other side. "Is that how ya think of me? Gee Omi-Kun, talk about a fake friendship" He says as a joke and Kiyoomi huffs out a laugh. 

Atsumu sits there on the bench outside with spring air blowing his hair to the side and listening to the sound of Sakusa's voice even as the school bell rings and all the students walk inside. He feels something warm building inside him and at that moment he can't think of anything except Sakusa Kiyoomi. Blatantly he realizes that he loves Kiyoomi, he doesn't just like him and there's nothing that can stop the overwhelming emotions. 

"I like spending time with you too Miya"   
  


\-----  
  


He wishes that everything could've just been like usual until the end of the second semester, he really wishes that nothing would've changed. Because when things change they always change for the worse and true to his thoughts everything falls apart in an instant. 

He's walking home with Osamu which meant that he wouldn't be corned for once and they're chatting about small stuff like usual. Osamu, the ever-observant twin, asks him about Kiyoomi out of nowhere. Atsumu being still new to the emotions bottling inside him sputters and rumbles awkwardly until he outs himself. 

"Ya like him?" Osamu asks after which Atsumu nearly trips and chokes on his own spit. Osamu mocks his face for looking like a tomato and calls him an idiot. "Yer not really subtle about it," His brother says and Atsumu decides to remain silent to save some dignity. However, their silence is interrupted by Osamu's phone ringing. His brother takes out his phone from his pocket and picks up the call. 

"Ya, wha's up ma?" Osamu says and Atsumu chooses to focus on his steps instead. It was already dark outside as they spent a lot longer at practice than they were meant to. The air is also slightly chillier at night but since they live in a small place the air pollution isn't much like in the big cities. He gets to look up at the stars here which look pretty big, he wonders if he should go to his grandma's place so that she can tell him about the different constellations. 

He's pulled out of his thoughts when Osamu calls out for him and there's something about his brother's expression that makes something like dread fix itself in the bottom of his stomach. His brother hesitates and gives him _that_ look again, the one that he despises. "Wha' is it?" He asks reluctantly but he can't stand the hesitation and wait. 

Osamu averts his gaze and then looks back at him again "Grams-" his twin gulps down on the bile producing in his throat. "Grams collapsed and they're saying she won't make it to tomorrow." He finally finishes. 

Atsumu feels like the ground below him is wobbling and Osamu's is suddenly much further away than he thought he was. He tries to reach out for his brother but feels nothing as his brother takes him by the hand to hold him steady. His lips are tightly shut together and it's only his eyes that he can feel movement from as they blink continuously. He's not looking at Osamu anymore and instead, he's suddenly looking at the ground. He doesn't establish that he's bent over with his hand on his face and that Osamu is calling for him. 

He doesn't know how he gets to the hospital but Osamu's is beside him when he opens the door to his grandmother's hospital room. He doesn't register that his parents are also in the room with his mother crying over his grandmother laying on the bed. She had gotten so _thin_ and her gorgeous tanned skin was looking like a sickly pale color. Her beautiful luscious hair was no longer there and Atsumu had _known_. He had always known that this day would come because he had been there, he had seen her every day as she got worse. However, deep down he had wished that a miracle would happen. Just one thing good in his miserable life. 

Of course, it seemed that whatever prayer he had done never reached anyone's ears as he stared at his grandmother's body. He didn't know what to say or what to do because nothing would change the inevitable end that his grandmother was reaching. Distantly he hears some rustling and notices that his parents have left along with Osamu. It was just him and his grandmother now, he walks to her bedside. 

She seems to take notice of his presence and opens her eyes, her voice comes out groggily "Atsumu?" She asks and he thinks that perhaps she can't see him any longer. He takes a hold of her hand and brings it up to his face letting her know that he is here. She smiles when her fingers make contact with his cheeks. "Brat, ye've always had such smooth skin," She says and he laughs out loud but it comes out a little wet. 

She wipes his tears with her thumb, she's still smiling but she's not looking at him. Her eyes are directed at the ceiling but his grandmother seems content with holding him. "Don't cry ya fool," She says but her own tears are making their way down her face. He bites his bottom lip trying to hold in his sobs so that his grandmother won't hear it. He doesn't want to say goodbye with painful wallowing and screaming. 

"I'm sorry Atsumu," She says. "I'm sorry for leaving ya behind."

He shakes his head knowing she can still feel him, "No, no don't say that. I'll be fine grams," He tries his best to hold in his sob but it leaves him by force and she threads her fingers in his hair trying to calm him down like she's done for him so many times before. "I'm gonna be fine," He says more to convince himself rather than her. 

"I know ya will, I raised ya after all" She laughs just a little, tightening her grip on him. He smiles and nods "Exactly, so ya can leave here in peace and tell gramps I said hello. Ya go find him and make sure he's not eating too much there too." He says and his grandmother laughs a little louder still too groggily and too many coughs in between. 

"Yeah, I betcha he's waiting for me to come with his stupid grin and an onigiri in his mouth," She says and opens her eyes just a little wider as if she's seeing something that she loves. "Atsumu, my little brat. . ." She closes her eyes and gives his cheek one last touch before her hand falls slack against his own. 

He doesn't know how long he holds her hand against his face sitting on his knees crying and wondering when he'll start to feel better.   
  


\---------  
  


After the funeral, he doesn't know what to do or where to go. Looking at Osamu was painful because his brother couldn't stop giving him that _look_. His parents started babbling to him about signing some papers so that his grandmother's inheritance would be left for them and not Atsumu. Apparently, his grandmother had left everything to Atsumu in her will saying that nothing will go to his parents unless Atsumu wishes it himself. 

His parents had been trying to talk him into signing the papers so that they would get the money by saying that he was still a kid and that he didn't need it. He doesn't know what got into him but for the first time in years, he snapped at his parents. He's not talking about the kind of snapping where he starts to only scream at them and then leave in anger. No, Atsumu _snapped_ snapped. 

"Ma's already dead, we're selling the house, I don't understand why yer being such a difficult child!" His mother screams at him as if she has been dealing with his shit for the past decade. He feels his blood boiling and wonders what it is that he did so wrong for his parents to treat him this way. 

He doesn't care if his parents never talk to him or if they don't want to see him. He doesn't care if he hasn't had a family meal in years and that he doesn't celebrate his birthday with them. He especially doesn't care that his mother doesn't greet him when he comes home or that his father doesn't ask him how his day has been. He doesn't until he does and then all that's left is rage because Atsumu has spent too many days crying for his dead grandmother. 

"Shut up!" he screams back when he feels that everything becomes too much and their voices start to hurt him the longer he listens. "Just shut up, I don't want to hear it!" He screams even louder holding his hands over his ears so that he doesn't have to hear them. 

But his mother doesn't heed his warning and she opens her mouth again looking at him with disappointment "How dare ya raise yer voice at yer mom!" She screams back and he still hears it even with his ears underneath his hands, he can't block her out. She slaps him hard in the face and he drops his hands. 

"Ma' wha the hell?!" This time it's Osamu who is raising his voice at their mother who looks like the devil has possessed her. She gets angry just like how Osamu does, it's silent but scary. Their father steps in Osamu's way who is trying to get to their mother, he gives Osamu a hard glare which ultimately makes Osamu stand down. Their father still had the power in the house. 

Their mother raises her hand and points her finger at him like she's scolding him just as when they were kids. At that moment he remembers the time when he was still a toddler and Osamu accidentally dropped the cookie plate. He was trying to steal them when their mother had denied them more than one and against Atsumu's better wishes to stop, Osamu had gone ahead anyway. That day his mother had punished him and refused to believe that it was her sweet little Osamu who had done it. Even when Osamu was telling their mother it had been his fault she had told him to 'stop protecting yer brother'. 

That day she had slapped him too and then pointed her finger at him just like today with her eyes full of hatred. At that time she had looked at him and said "I'm disappointed in ya Atsumu". She repeated those exact same words today and he finally lost it. 

He grabbed the nearest thing he could find and slammed it as hard as he could on the ground shattering it into million pieces. All of them stood there too stunned to say anything about the scene unfolding. The next thing he does is grabbing a chair and slamming that one on the ground as well several times until that too was in pieces. 

"Atsumu- wha' the fuck-" his mother starts but stops when he throws a flower pot to the ground as well. Her eyes widen and she looks at her husband which seems to get him out of whatever daze he was in. His father makes his way to him and grabs him by the collar but just as his father is about to open his mouth Atsumu raises his eyes and glares at him. 

Perhaps they had been stunned when they saw his tears falling down his face because he's sure that he has never cried in front of them before. His father seems to be speechless and he loosens his hold on his collar. Atsumu who can't see anything other than his own anger and frustration grabs his father's wrist in a tight hold. 

He looks him deep in the eyes and with as many emotions he can muster without breaking down he tells him "I hate ya". He pushes the hand away from his collar and his father doesn't protest as he's still in shock. He looks at his mother who flinches when his gaze reaches her "I don't fucking care if I'm a disappointment to ya. Maybe if ya had talked to me and properly looked me in the eyes I would have." He says and the bitterness of his words are still on the tip of his tongue.

He looks at his father who now has a frown on his face. "If ya had sat down with me and helped me with my homework, if ya had greeted me when I came home and if ya had asked me where I was then maybe- just maybe Ma' I would've cared that I am a disappointment to ya. I would have cared if we spent Christmas together and you told me how much ya loved me but you see I only know grams!" He does not scream but his voice is loud in the silence of the living room. 

He presses his hand on his heart as if he can practically feel the pain that's seething into him from the pain of losing his only parent. "Grams raised me and grams gave me a warm meal when all I had to come back to here was cold leftovers. I would've died if she said those words to me but ya-" He points at both his parents "Ya are nothing to me".

He doesn't feel relief from shouting or from destroying things at all, but still, he picks up a broken shard and throws it on the ground again. Just to hear that satisfying sound of something getting crushed and ruined by him, he ignores his bleeding hand as he stumps on the broken pieces several times in anger. "And now grams is gone, I have nothing left of her except that house, and the first thing ya say to me in several years is to sell the _one_ thing that reminds me of her." He kicks the pieces of glass on the ground and watches as each one of them goes their own ways. 

"Atsumu-" His father starts but he's already on his way outside and he makes sure to slam the door as hard as he can when he walks out.

It's late in the evening and despite it being spring the air is chilly but he doesn't pay any attention as his mind is still caught up with his anger and pain. He hasn't stopped crying and he barely sees the road he takes because the thoughts in his brain are _so_ loud. 

_I'm sick of this. I'm so sick of this._

He wants to scream again, perhaps then he'll feel a little better but it hadn't worked when he did it in the house and he's sure it won't work now. He kicks a stray stick away and squats down in frustration to grab his knees close to himself as some form of comfort. He's sobbing and hiccuping by now in the middle of nowhere. There's no one around so he just lets himself cry out knowing that the dark will drown out his voice. 

In a moment of weakness, he calls Suna hoping that the other would pick up just this one time. He waits patiently even when it goes past three rings and up until Suna's voice message comes on. " _I'm sorry for not picking up, I'm probably busy but I'm gonna call you back when I get the time so be patient with me_ " 

Atsumu puts his phone back into his pocket and decides he doesn't want to bother anyone else. He rests his head on his arms hugging his legs, his heart is hurting and all the crying has now taken its toll on his head as well. He wonders what he should do, there was no way he would go back to that shit hole. 

_I'll be fine_ \- he had told his grandmother. He laughs, he should've just been honest with her, there was no way he was going to be fine. More tears fall from his eyes and he wipes them away with his sleeve. His grandmother had looked so beautiful whenever she smiled, he wishes he could see that smile just one more time. "I miss ya, granny, I miss ya- so much. I'm not fine and I'm not gonna be fine without ya!" He says to the dark hoping that perhaps his grandmother could hear him in the afterlife. 

_I know ya will, I raised ya after all_

His lips wobble and he stands up making his way to his grandmother's place with determination. When he gets there he quickly shoves off his shoes and walks to his grandmother's bedroom. The place is exactly the same as how it had been the last time that he was there and he jumps into her bed underneath all her blankets. He falls asleep with his grandmother's scent surrounding him.  
  


When he wakes up he's greeted by the chippering of birds and the sun in his eyes, he grumbles feeling his eyes dry and heavy. He picks up his phone to see several missed calls by some of his teammates and more from Osamu. Even Suna has called him back and Atsumu guesses that Osamu had asked them if he was at any of their places. He ignores all of them and puts down his phone to go wash his face, he felt like shit after everything that happened. 

When he washes up and makes his way to the kitchen to find some food (if there was any left) he hears the doorbell. He goes to open it expecting Osamu on the other side but instead, he's face to face with Sakusa who is frowning at him. His eyes widen and they just stare at each other with Atsumu too shocked to say anything.

He had brought Kiyoomi to his grandma's place once after his grandmother had insisted that she wanted to meet him. He didn't think that Kiyoomi had memorized the way to her place or that he would ever come back again. When he's too quiet Kiyoomi sighs and makes his way inside despite not being invited in. "You look like shit," Kiyoomi says turning back around to stare at his disheveled appearance. 

Kiyoomi lifts his hand that's holding a plastic bag, "You must be hungry, I brought some stuff to eat" Kiyoomi goes into the kitchen searching for utensils without waiting for Atsumu's response. Confused by Sakusa's appearance he finally asks "Why?" 

Sakusa shrugs from where he's heating the pan over the oven "Osamu asked me if you had come over to my place and I figured you must've run away from home or something. Thought you'd be here" Sakusa takes out olive oil from his plastic bag and spills some on the pan waiting for it to warm up. 

He turns around to look at Atsumu who hasn't said another word. Kiyoomi hesitates for a second before choosing his next words. "I'm. . . sorry for you loss," He says and Atsumu doesn't register the words as he was still in a daze from seeing Kiyoomi. 

When Kiyoomi starts to look a little uncomfortable under his gaze, Atsumu decides to give him mercy by shaking his head. "Thank ya, and thank ya for coming here." He says and walks beside him looking at the pan heating up. "What are ya making?" He asks to change the topic, Kiyoomi indulges him. 

"Some scrambled eggs" Kiyoomi says "Set up the table while I cook" 

Atsumu hm's an affirmative and goes to do what he's been told. When Kiyoomi finishes the eggs, they sit on the table eating silently but it's comfortable. Kiyoomi decides to stay the night despite Atsumu protesting that he was fine, for some strange reason Kiyoomi sleeps beside him with a hand on his own as well. That night Atsumu sleeps thinking that just maybe he will be fine after all.   
  


\-------   
  


When Atsumu goes back to school the bullying doesn't stop but at this point, he's learned to deal with it. Suna apologies for not picking up his call but Atsumu brushes him off saying that it was okay. After that, however, Suna starts to spend more time with him and even walks home with him. He's thankful because that meant that the bullies wouldn't ambush him after school anymore. 

Osamu hands him a bag full of his clothes and some extra cash, he tells him that their parents are sorry and that they want him to come back but Osamu also tells him to come back only when he is ready. He smiles and gives his brother a hug letting him know that he appreciates that Osamu is always on his side. 

Just like that he spends his days in his grandmother's place with Kiyoomi coming to visit him at times and Osamu bringing him food. He doesn't return to his parent's place for months and is glad that he's got his grandma's inheritance if he needs any money. Fortunately, his parents seem to care enough that they make sure Osamu gives him money enough for each month. 

On the days he misses his grandmother he sleeps in her bed that's slowly losing her smell but it's comforting to know that his grandmother used to be there. 

He's relieved when he finishes his second year and hopes that the summer break will let him rest enough to be able to go on. Summer break meant that there would be no more whispering and no more bullies. Since he spends his day living at his grandmother's place (which is now officially his) he gets visited by his teammates more often. Osamu also starts to stay over more often so that- and he quotes 'ya don't get lonely'. 

Osamu never tries to talk him into going back or to meet with their parents even when he knows that they're pressuring Osamu to convince him. Which he is extremely grateful for since he doesn't know if he's ready to meet them. He hears from Osamu that they're reflecting a lot about their behavior and that they wish to see him but that's all Osamu says. 

As if the gods were giving him a break the whole summer is uneventful with him hanging out with people who enjoy his presence. He goes to the beach with Osamu and Kiyoomi's cousin who somehow manages to get Kiyoomi to join them as well. Some days they go hiking despite the heat but the barbeque makes up for it. 

For the first time in a while, he feels like he can breathe again properly. 

When their third year starts and he's back to that shit hole again he thinks he'll be okay. He doesn't pay as much attention to the whispers thanks to Suna and there are no ambushes for a while. However, one day, some of his regular bullies corner him in the bathroom. Atsumu being Atsumu calls them childish for continuing this shit all the way to their last year. They snap at him and try to beat him but Atsumu fights back even if he couldn't take on them both. 

At one point he sees that the bathroom door is opened and quickly shut, he doesn't think much about it. It was common for someone to see him getting beaten up but do nothing about it. He lets down his guard a bit which is a mistake because one of them lands an extremely hard punch to his ribs. He stumbles backward cursing and unable to stand up properly. 

The other grabs his arms to hold him back as the one who punched him starts to fill up the sink with tissues. He glares at Atsumu in fury "I'll teach you a fucking lesson" he says and Atsumu scoffs at him. He tries to struggle out of the hold the other guy has on him but the last punch weakened him and it hurt whenever he tried to move. 

The guy who punched him fills the sink with water and smiles at him maniacally. The next thing he knows he's got his head pushed into the sink unable to breathe with them holding his head down. He struggles and trashes to no avail and he can feel his lungs fill up with water.

He curses wondering if he was going to go out like this but suddenly the hand removes their grab on his head and he quickly pulls out to cough out the water. He falls to the ground with all strength leaving his body, someone has their hand on his shoulder asking him if he was okay. He recognizes it as Suna who looks at him worriedly. He hears some shouting from behind him and turns to see Osamu beating one of the guys bloody but he's already unconscious. The dude's buddy is trying to shove Osamu off screaming that he's going to die. 

Osamu goes after him next but Suna quickly stops him when Osamu only throws in one punch. "Ya won't just get suspended after this, ye'll get arrested Osamu!" Suna shouts when Osamu tries to get out of his hold, somehow this calms down his brother. 

Osamu suddenly seems to remember his presence and quickly walks up to him with a worried look. "'Tsumu, ya okay?" His brother asks but he's still shocked by everything that just happened, he had _nearly_ _died_. He realizes that he's shaking a bit when Osamu holds his hand but he smiles a little halfheartedly to assure his brother that he's fine. 

"I think I'm doing better than that guy," He says pointing to the guy laying unconscious on the floor with a bloody face. Osamu just sighs and gives him a tight hug that he returns with less strength. The pain in his ribs return. 

They take him to the nurse's office where they eventually force him to speak up. He concedes and tells them about everything that had happened in the past years. Osamu looks like he's furious and that he is this close to going back and punching those guys again. He forces Atsumu to report them and getting even angrier when he tries to protest. Atsumu decides to just listen to his brother this one time as the event today had gone a little too far. He had almost lost his life and he doesn't think he'll be able to move past that any time soon. 

However, things get better, after they report those guys and Osamu talks to the principle, there are changes in their high school. The topic of bullying becomes an issue that's discussed more often and they warn the students that anyone who takes part in such things will be suspended in an instance. It stops people from shoving him and ruining his things but it doesn't stop the whispering. Thankfully with his friends paying more attention to him and his wellbeing he doesn't even notice them. 

He manages to graduate unable to confess to Sakusa Kiyoomi but it's fine because at least things are getting better.   
  


\-------  
  


He realizes at some point during summer break that Kiyoomi doesn't visit him anymore. Oddly enough Kiyoomi had never asked him about his family situation or why he continued to stay at his grandmother's place. He doesn't really want Kiyoomi to ask either way because he doesn't want him to know about all his issues. Kiyoomi was his safe space where he doesn't have to think about anything and where he doesn't need to see _that look_ directed at him. He had enough of his teammates and Osamu staring at him like that whenever his parents were brought up. 

However, before he leaves for college Atsumu makes the spontaneous decision to visit his parents just once. By this time he has no reason to go there as pretty much everything he owned was at his new home (courtesy of Osamu) but he decides to go get his music box. The box isn't only his and he doesn't need it but he uses it as an excuse to go back there. He remembers that his mother had gotten it for him and Osamu to play whenever they couldn't fall asleep. This was back when things were simpler. 

He knocks on the door twice feeling the dread build inside him, he hadn't even texted Osamu that he was coming so this was a real risk. It's his father who opens the door and his eyes widen instantly when he sees Atsumu standing there awkwardly. Atsumu is about to say hi but his father pulls him into a hug, he doesn't know what to do so he just hesitatingly has his hands hovering behind his father's back. 

"Atsumu- I'm _so sorry_ \- " He pulls back from the hug and stares at Atsumu with his eyes showing some kind of emotion Atsumu hadn't seen on him before. "I'm so glad yer back, please come inside" His father starts to ramble looking a little flustered. "Come in, come in." he practically forces Atsumu inside. "Ya should have dinner with us. . . if you'd like of course, just- just please give us a chance," His father says with something like hope in his eyes. 

Atsumu is a little taken aback by it all but he nods sheepishly feeling uncomfortable walking inside. He takes off his shoes and sees the living room where they had all been when everything went down. He stops at the shoe racks rubbing his left arm in discomfort as his father goes ahead of him. His mother walks downstairs questioning her husband "Who was it dear?" She starts but when her eyes land on him she stops abruptly. 

"Oh, my-" She gasps, his mother walks up to him to give him a hug just like his father had given him, still he doesn't know how to respond to it. She's quick to back away and looks at him with something like guilt. "Atsumu, ye'll stay for dinner, please?" She asks and he tries to think of the time when they'd gotten into a fight but the anger he used to feel wasn't there. 

He feels drained like it doesn't matter anymore. He feels like everything he had prepared for when he first walked to doorsteps quickly disappeared when he saw his father. They looked defeated and desperate in his eyes, they looked old. When had his mother gotten white hair? 

He remembers seeing her crying when his grandmother had died, she'd lost her only parent that day. Osamu is the one who resembles their mother the most, she's competitive, kind and eats like that's her favorite time of the day. She barely shows expressions but she causes chaos when she gets mad. She's just like Osamu, just like his twin brother. 

But his grandmother had smiled once and told him a story about his mother when she was younger. 'It was when yer gramps had died' his grandmother had said to him. 'Yer mother would grin and try out her new recipes. She was always ignoring her problems until she'd breakdown because she couldn't handle it.' 

His grandmother had smiled at him like she was telling him a secret that only she knew. 'She's just like ya, brat. Not very good at the whole emotional thing, forgive her for me?' He couldn't answer his grandmother that day because he had bile building in his throat and his grandmother appeared lonely when she looked up at the sky. 

"I'll stay-" He hesitates and looks up at them who is staring back at him hopefully. He gulps down his own nervousness. "-the night. I'll stay the night. . . if that's okay with ya?" He asks feeling sweat forming on his neck, his shoulders are tense and he's still standing by the shoe racks. He doesn't look them in the eye and instead focuses on his feet that are nudging each other to distract himself. 

"Atsumu, ya don't need to ask for permission. This is yer home even if we haven't shown ya that properly." His mother says, she's trying to assure him but at the same time choosing her words carefully to not accidentally pressure him. His father nods and continues, "We heard from Osamu that yer going to college. Ya can come visit whenever ya want, we'll try to fix our past mistakes. . . if ye'll give us a chance?" His father says softly. 

He bites his lip to keep it from wobbling and makes to nod instead. He breathes through his nose to keep his voice from wavering, "I- I would like that. . . to visit I mean."

They smile and he thinks he sees his mother's eyes watering a little. 

The food had been really warm that day.  
  


\---------  
  


"Why do you keep liking that asshole?" Suna Rinatro asks him. 

It's their first year in college and he's been lucky to find a dorm that he can stay with Suna in. He's unlucky because Suna figures out his crush on Sakusa Kiyoomi only after a few days of spending together. It's how he eventually asks that and leaves Atsumu completely dumbfounded because he had _not_ expected that question. He also doesn't expect Suna to show his obvious dislike for Kiyoomi- he chooses not to focus on that. 

"Wha's it to ya?" Atsumu retorts whirling around with his desk chair to glare at Suna chilling on his bed with his phone in his hand. Suna gives him a deadpan look as if asking him 'seriously?'. He sighs when Atsumu continues to glare at him. "You have been staring at that picture of you two for a whole 10 minutes now" Suna points to the picture on Atsumu's desk. 

It's a picture of him and Kiyoomi they had taken back in the middle of their third year of high school. Atsumu was starting to feel better after his grandmother's death and he was smiling at the camera with Kiyoomi a little further back looking annoyed. He had thought it was a cute photo because it was one of their few pictures together that Kiyoomi wasn't covering his face in.

He rolls his eyes at Suna who had raised an eyebrow. "I was not," he says, in truth he _was_ but Suna didn't need to know that. His black-haired friend just grabs his energy drink beside the bedside table and chugs down a mouthful. Atsumu stares at him confused, "Ya might wanna drink less of that stuff, can't be good for yer health" Atsumu says a little worried for the other. 

Suna shrugs and stands up to leave the room, "Can't stay here watching you making lovey-dovey eye for a guy who already has a partner" He says as he grabs his cap from his closet and makes his way to the door. Atsumu grins watching his back, "What? Ya jealous Sunarin?" He says as a joke but his grin drops when Suna stops halfway opening the door. 

Suna turns around slowly and for a split second stays uncomfortably silent but then he says "Your ego is too big Atsumu, it'll be heavy to carry when ya play volleyball" He leaves before Atsumu can throw profanities at him. 

When Suna leaves he goes back to admiring his photo with Kiyoomi. What Suna had said was true, Kiyoomi was dating Ushijima Wakatoshi and there was no way Atsumu had a chance. The two were so happy together and so perfect, they seemed like they were made for each other. Atsumu rests his head on his arm continuing to hold the picture in front of him with his other hand. 

He thumbs at Kiyoomi in the picture as if the other could feel him if he did. He had wanted to confess the instant he found out about his feelings but for some reason, there never seemed to be a good time. It was almost like Kiyoomi was avoiding him. 

The Kiyoomi in the picture looks annoyed but Atsumu knows that back then he was actually really happy. It shows in the corner of his lips that twitch just a little upwards and his frown that's less tense from his usual. Atsumu was pretending to be a celebrity talking about an imaginary interview he had to his imaginary fans on insta. Kiyoomi had snorted and called him vain but Atsumu had managed to take the picture in time with his lips tugged just a little upwards. No one knows that Kiyoomi was smiling, only Atsumu and it's why he really likes the photo. 

He pulls the photo closer to the photo to stare at Kiyoomi's eyes in the picture with a lovesick smile. "I love ya omi, I wish ya knew," He says to himself because Kiyoomi won't hear him, Kiyoomi won't listen to him.   
  


\--------  
  
  
  


He doesn't want to think that it's his fault when he calls Osamu in the middle of the night with no words to say to his brother. He knows Osamu will understand even if he doesn't talk to him because Osamu always knows exactly how he feels. 

"Is it painful?" Osamu asks him and he nods as if his brother can see him through the phone. Perhaps he can. Atsumu decided to take a walk earlier when he felt like his brain was overloaded with negative thoughts. He thinks he's still suffering from the aftermath of the bullying he received in high school. Most days he feels okay but some days their words play over and over again. He's still used to listening in on others' conversation almost like he'll catch someone slipping one of these days. 

When they do slip he'll be sure to hear them mocking him, he thinks they'll have a valid reason to do so. He already knows that some of the students in his classes already don't like him as rumors never really die. They've heard from friends who heard from friends who also heard from their friends as if the name Miya Atsumu is both a curse and a power to be reckoned with. 

Osamu sighs from the other side and Astumu wonders if he's wearing that same expression. The one that Atsumu has gotten used to getting from the people who care about him. He hates it so much and he doesn't know why. They don't understand, they're just mocking his struggles as if they're sorrowful and as if he hasn't been going through it all perfectly fine. 

"What can I do to help ya 'Tsumu?" Osamu asks like he does every other time that Atsumu calls when it becomes too much. Just like before Atsumu stays quiet.

He doesn't know himself, he doesn't know what he can do to feel better. Osamu makes a noise of frustration "I don't know what to do 'Tsumu! Ya don't want to talk about it, ya don't wanna visit a therapist and ya refuse to believe that yer not okay! I'm stuck here guessing how ya feel because on the other side of this call yer dead quiet- probably crying, probably hungry, probably dying- I wouldn't know 'Tsumu because ya won't give me anything to work with" 

His brother has the right to be mad at him as this is not the first time he's called just to remain silent. Most days Osamu would give up asking and instead start talking about how his culinary school is going. Most days it makes Atsumu calm down and he doesn't think about unnecessary things. Eventually, he'll able to reply to his brother and they end up talking about small everyday things. Most days anyway.

"M'sorry" he says because he can't come up with anything else to say that would ease his twin's mind. Osamu sighs and Atsumu knows his half-hearted apology only made things worse. The air grows chiller and he doesn't think he's walked this far before.

"I don't want yer apology, I want ya to get better. I want ya to talk to me and tell me what's on yer mind. As hard as it is to believe we aren't telepathic, there's only so much I can understand." His brother says and Atsumu can imagine him with his hand raised as if trying to prove his point. 

He looks at the night sky, thankfully the air pollution doesn't reach this part of the city. He guesses it because the place is pretty isolated from the rest of the city. He would've liked to show it to Kiyoomi, he'd appreciate this view. Kiyoomi has always liked the night sky, it's why he gifted the other with those fake night glows even if they were childish, he wonders if Kiyoomi still has them on his ceiling. 

Atsumu takes in a deep breath in an attempt to unclog his throat. It helps just a little as it makes the words come out of his mouth easier. "'Tsumu-" his brother starts but Atsumu cuts him off.

"It's hard," he says and Osamu goes quiet in an instant. He continues when he reckons that his brother won't speak. "It's hard to talk- it's hard to think." He takes a deep breath to calm his nerves that feel on edge with the cold.

"Sometimes I think I'm fine, I probably am- but then I'll lay down and all of sudden it becomes hard to breathe. I don't want to think about it but their words are imprinted in my mind. I start wondering if it's true and I don't want to talk about it because that means I'm admitting to defeat and I'm letting them get to me." He says and it's almost like Osamu isn't there anymore because of how quiet it becomes.

He thinks about Kiyoomi who seemed so happy with Ushijima today. He was smiling and walking around campus with Ushijima's hand in his. He saw them sitting on a bench and overheard Kiyoomi talking about medicines with him. Atsumu thinks he'll never be able to compete with that, he only knows volleyball. The girl he's been dating these days smelled too sweet, he felt sick to his stomach.

"Loving Kiyoomi made me happy but now I feel like I'm suffocating. Like if I slip up even once my jealousy will show and consume me. And he'll see it, he'll see how ugly I really am- I'll prove everyone in high school that they were right. They'll laugh when they find out- _and_ I don't know what to do because I love him so much 'Samu" he says ignoring that his voice breaks in the end.

He manages to keep in his tears and instead focuses on his smoky breath. He remembers the one time he and Osamu went to the store when it was winter, they got lost on their way. Osamu was freezing so Atsumu gave him his extra sweater. His brother's breath would become smoky through his blue lips. Atsumu thought it was the only time Osamu was actually cute as he was clinging on to him for warmth. 'Will ya be fine?' Osamu had asked him, 'I'll be better when we get home' he had answered. They didn't get home until an auntie from their neighborhood found them.

"I'll go with Sunarin to see a therapist. I'll try to get better" he says to assure his twin who wouldn't admit to being younger even if they are twins. Osamu seems to take in a breath of relief and Atsumu never doubts his ability to convince Osamu even though his brother shouldn't believe in him. After all, he had gotten a fever after they got home even though he had told Osamu he would be fine. 

\----

He sees it coming, his head is spinning and his body feels weak. His breaths are heavy and he's not even sure if he's smashing in the correct numbers in his phone. Thankfully Kiyoomi picks up so he assumes he must've done it right, he barely manages to straighten his voice in his haze enough to ask for some pills. 

Luckily Kiyoomi is in a hurry so he simply brushes him off and Atsumu manages to successfully make his way to Kiyoomi and Komori's room to grab the pills. Motoya looks at him worriedly when he takes the pills and asks if he's doing alright. To which he answers that he's just a little sick, however even he is aware that the blurriness in the corner of his eyes isn't normal. 

When he walks back to his own room he barely grabs the handle before he collapses. The next time he opens his eyes he's in the hospital with Osamu looking back at him worriedly. He blinks his eyes awake still a little confused by everything. 

Osamu fills him in on everything that happened and how Suna had found him on their doorsteps with a heavy fever. "Ya said ya would try to get better! Why do I have to see ya even worse?!" Osamu confronts him and Atsumu is nearly too ashamed to even look at him properly. 

He doesn't say anything as he is well aware of the reason for his state, he only went to therapy once with Suna. He hadn't gone after that and deciding to self-sabotage himself had felt reasonable to him amidst his depressive state. He feels embarrassed about it now that Osamu is looking at him like that again. It had been a while since he received that expression. 

"This is all because of yer stupid crush on that asshole, 'Tsumu ya need to find someone better," Osamu says "ya need someone who will make you better, not _worse_ " His brother is nearly shouting at him and he doesn't feel ready to hear about this after just waking up. 

"Osamu, can I talk with Atsumu for a second?" Suna walks inside with his shoulder as usual slouching and his bad posture. He greets the two of them with a nod, Osamu looks mildly annoyed "Not now Suna-" Osamu is cut off when Suna continues. 

"it's important," He says and it seems like that's all there was needed for Osamu to sigh and give up, he leaves the room for only the two of them. 

It becomes extremely quiet when Osamu leaves and Suna seems to hesitate before he finally walks to the chair beside Atsumu's bed. Suna seems nervous with the way he won't make any eye contact and the way he fiddles with his fingers. 

Finally, Suna says "I told him everything" 

It takes Atsumu a minute to comprehend just what Suna is talking about and when it does he feels like his world is crumbling. _No, not my safe space_. "Why? Why would ya do that?" he's distantly aware of how weak his voice sounds and how defeated he really feels. He wants to cry all of a sudden. 

Suna's eyebrow twitches just slightly and he finally lifts his head to look at him, the usual laid back Suna is now a little angry. "Because I hate seeing the way he treats you and how unaware he is of everything. It's so unfair that he gets to be like that and ignore all the pain you're in" Suna says with his voice a little tight. 

"It wasn't yer place to tell him!" Atsumu near shouts but holds it in seeing as they're still in the hospital. "I needed him ta be the one person who wouldn't judge me" 

His words seem to trigger something in Suna who scrunches his eyebrow together. "Do you think we _judge_ you?" He says and Atsumu rests his head in his hands. " _Yes_ , yes you do Suna. Ya and 'Samu both do. I hate it, I hate seeing that expression on yer face. I hate it so much and Omi was my escape from it but now I have to deal with him giving me the same expression" He says with as much frustration he can draw from his drained body. 

"Atsumu, I have no idea what you're talking-" He starts but Atsumu raises his head up quickly with a glare. "I hate yer pity Suna, I can't stand you guys looking at me like I'm frail, like everything ya do makes ya feel guilty towards me. I'm sick of it Suna, I know I'm miserable and pitiful but I don't want to be reminded of it every time I try to talk about anything like my emotions." He says and Suna's eyes widen in shock, they remain quiet when Atsumu finishes. 

"I wanted Omi to treat me like I'm normal, I wanted to love him and not be wondering if he is staying with me because he pities me." He says after a while with a voice too low as his most honest concern make themselves out of his mouth. He doesn't look at Suna as it's too painful. 

"That's so unfair," Suna says and Atsumu finally turns his gaze to him only to see that this time it is Suna who is not looking. He stares as the black-haired tightens his fists. "That's so unfair Atsumu, you fell in love with someone because he doesn't know anything about you. You fell in love with someone who happily ignored half of who you are and only took you at your best. It's unfair because you will never give me a chance as long as I know all of you even though I never had a choice. You'll never look at me like you look at him and I can't help but wonder if you'd give me a chance too if I didn't see you at your worst." Suna finishes and Atsumu can only look at him in shock. 

The other doesn't look back at him and instead stands up from his chair ready to leave, Atsumu doesn't hold him back and lets him walk out because Suna was right. He's right that Atsumu will never look at him like he looks at Kiyoomi but Suna is wrong too. He didn't fall in love because Kiyoomi didn't know this part of him, he fell in love because Kiyoomi walked into his life when he needed him. 

At his worst, and at the beginning of his downfall as if the gods knew he couldn't handle it they had gifted him Kiyoomi who would help him through it. Kiyoomi who stayed by his side and who never forced him to talk about anything uncomfortable. Kiyoomi who had needed him just like he had needed Kiyoomi. 

He fell in love with the person who took care of him in the most subtle ways possible that most people would never notice. If Suna was verbal about his attention to Atsumu then Kiyoomi was all action, Kiyoomi was there when Suna wasn't. 

He didn't call Kiyoomi but it was him at his door the next morning when he didn't want to live another day. It was Kiyoomi who invited him to his home and it was Kiyoomi's parents who treated him so warmly. He loves Suna because even then Suna has always been there for him and he'll never be able to repay the other. But Suna was not Kiyoomi. 

\----

He calls Kiyoomi an idiot because despite being a major idiot himself he can't believe that Sakusa Kiyoomi manages to outdo him. It's nearly impossible how stupid the words that come out of Kiyoomi's mouth feel. He's angry at the other for being such an idiot. 

He's angry that the other would leave instead of staying and trying to fix whatever it was that needed fixing between them. He's angry that just when he feels like he has taken one step towards Kiyoomi the latter has taken four steps back. 

But more than that he feels just so drained and mentally exhausted that he wishes to just let everything go. That's why he parts with Kiyoomi, he lets his long time crush go by letting him know that he'll always be here. Sure, they'll be with someone else and they might fall in love with which they would never want to find each other again.

They might even get married and have their own kids but really Atsumu doubts he'll ever be able to be with anyone other than Sakusa Kiyoomi. If he's correct he doubts Kiyoomi will let him wait forever and because he isn't okay now, he decides it's best if the other does leave. 

Atsumu needs time to heal, he needs time to get better and to finally be able to live without Kiyoomi as his lifeline. He thinks perhaps Kiyoomi has some of his own self-reflection to go through. So when Kiyoomi leaves without saying goodbye and Atsumu lays down on his bed staring at his ceiling with no tears to speak of he smiles instead. 

This is for the better, he thinks. He learns to smile a little more freely knowing that Kiyoomi is struggling in a foreign country. He'll come back. 

And he does. Albeit after several long years, however, Sakusa walks in with his black coat and neatly styled curls that have Atsumu breaking down with too many emotions piling up. Kiyoomi smells fresh just like he used to and his skin is just as pale but he's got that American swag going for him. It's just a little so Atsumu is sure he'll be able to slap him out of it eventually and then he'll be perfect again. 

He nuzzles into Kiyoomi's shoulder letting himself breathe deeply in his boyfriend's scent and smile happily to himself when his nostrils take in the familiarity. _I'll be fine after all grandma_. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was hard to write as my grandpa died not too long ago from corona and I shed too many tears writing this.  
> Anyway, I know that Atsumu's parents in this fic aren't the greatest but I think they deserved a second chance. That's not to say that everything is suddenly gone and forgiven but it's about trying. I don't think we should give up on each other too quickly especially not family unless they're abusive and such. But only if the person in the wrong is the one who is actively trying fix everything. Otherwise the one who is hurt has no obligation to remain in a toxic plac.
> 
> I also messed up as I was actually going to elaborate on why the relationship with his parents is like that but it became too long so I gave up. 
> 
> How was the little unrequited suna crush on Atsumu? I hope you leave a kudo and a comment to let me know what u think. It means the world to me


End file.
